I'm standing at the edge of everything I've ever been.......

its been quite awhile

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 13:49:00 GMT

well its been awhile since i last wrote in this thing. but i cant sleep and im bored so i figured id write in it.

This semester has been .....well i dont really have a word for it. Both good and bad i guess. Ive been going through alot of stuff this emester but ona positive note I have some knew people in my life that im really happy about and alot of those who were already around i am now alot closer with.

Im postponing my semester in italy till next semester. I got accpected asa photo bfa. I made my first photo book. and im about to start working on my second one. I gota a job asa barback. i start in 2 weeks.

all in all my life is complicated, but thats the way it all works i suppose. Im still looking for all the answers and seeing what happens along the way.

thats it for now . Peace.

everything looks so beautiful

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 23:25:21 GMT

So i figured id update cause i have sometime to kill........

First off ....life is beautiful.....pledging is over with and my pledge class and i are in the sorority. YAY!!!!! Pledging was really hard but im really glad we all got through it. Its honestly one of the best decisions i ever made. Im so insanely happy right now. Honestly everything is going really well right now. This weekend was muchhh funn. Celebrated and chilled. P.S. My big is ssoooo frigin awesome, I heart her!!

We found a house for next year im puttin the down payment on it tomorrow. So ill have a place to come to overr the summer to party.

i need to to desperatly catch up on photo work. i gotta get my ass in gear,

Im gonna bounce cause im not really in a writing mood.

lovin life

soo fuckin upset

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 04:29:38 GMT

people suck. true story.

im so upset at this point. i could vomit right now. im not gonna even get into the specifics cause its not my style but im hurt....but there is soo much that could be said

NEXT TOPIC....... i realllly dnt wanna go back to school right now. im sooo fuckin sick. im sooo exhausted. i cant handle goin back to gettin at most 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night. im gonna end up back in the hospital. i cant take the stress. i just need to get past these next week and a half to 2 weeks but i dnt think i can. so i got my blood work back from my doctor yesterday. i DEFINATLY have epstein bar and on top of it im ANEMIC...so thats 2 sicknesses that make u very fatigued.....im like a walking zombie.....ive never felt like less of a person as i have lately....i cnt stand this..and my birthday is tuesday and without a doubt i know it will be the worst birthday ive ever had.....trust me i know

man..im a mess :( so bad

The only one who is gonna look out for me, is me

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 04:10:30 GMT

So these past two wekks have been extremly hectic. As some of you know, and some of you dnt know, I decided to rush AEPHI...and as long as i get a bid I'm going to pledge.
Ive been getting alot of shit from different people on this topic, not just one person but several. I have my reason for deciding to rush, and im not going to sit here and list them to justify myself but i do have them. Im a very independent and levelheaded person. i make choices because thats what i want to do and i feel is best for me. Im not the type of person to follow a crowd. and i'm not not going to pledge because a bunch of people tell me not to, and people claim that im not being an individual by pledging, but i think by listening to them and therefore going against what i feel is right for me would be me not being an individual.

i think alot of people have no idea of what they are talking about, and bitch about sororities cause its the hype and they are intimadated by the whole concept.....whatever the reasons...i dont care. I need to make choices for myself because nones ever truly been there for me than me (except my family)...if i keep makeing choices and holding myself back based on the wants and opinions of others than im goin to be left with nothing....cause in the end i'm only left with me. i dnt tell u how to live ur life . im not pointing anyone out because ive gotten shit from not just one but prob like 5 people. By the end of this semester I think im gonna learn alot about people

hmmmm...interesting

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 06:20:29 GMT

Follow these simple instructions.

1. Comment and I will reply with something I really like about you.
2. I will then tell what song[s] remind me of you.
3. Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.
4. Last, I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. Put this in your journal

go ahead you know you want to.

A film in her eyes from the glow

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 04:45:17 GMT

So the past few days havent been to easy but all that stuff is finally over and i will be back in school in a day and a half.I really need to get back.

i had such a good outlook about the semester and i was excited to be back and i was all organized (kind of)...things were goin well. and then all this happened and it put all that on hold and i think i was worried i wasnt gonna be able to get back in that mind frame...and at first i didnt think so but my friends def help me see otherwise.

both carissa and brooke showed up to the wake which really meant alot to me and i think helped make the time go by faster. and sheru came by later that night to my house and we chilled out and watched a movie. I def needed things like that. a few bright spots to break up the longs days that had been goin on.

i miss my suitemates gina called today to say hi and most of them were in the backround...im glad she callled, i like bein posted on whats goin on.

i really wish i was at the bars with everyone tonight. i got a phone call from adam while he and nick, clint , and matt were out....of course most of them were drunk..haha. i really miss those guys alot. we decided the old crew must be reunited.....i cant even begin to explain the awesome times we had together last year. they are nuts and i love them.

i need to get back to school ..i need to see my friends and i need to stay focused.

sunday cant come fast enough

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 20:20:10 GMT

i found out this morning my grandma died yesterday

so i go home to long island tomorrow and ill be back on sunday

New Paltz part duex

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 22:22:17 GMT

doo da doo

and they all said it would never happen......ok they didnt, i did.

whats it is im talking about you ask?

well it is now day 2 possible day three (dependin how u count it) back inn new paltz and i have already achieved two of my semester goals.

1: get a job
- i am now the new receptionist at the radiance salon and spa

2: i got myself a scannable new york state id
- i can thank my lovaly new roomate for that!!

thats rights kids i will now have money again and i will be able to party as often as i like. woo hoo
i hope im not jinxing myself here but i am a happy camper

so i met the new roomate....and i really like her. nice girl. i can tell shes gonna be my new party buddy. i can smell the drunken memorizes about to be made this semester

in fact i believe me and her are gonna start that tonight by hittin up the bars...and ill get to test out my id.

and tomorrow i believe we are goin to the bar too wit her friends from the rugby team and hopefully kady my love(oh how ive missed her)

hmm what am i gonna do for dinner tonight? decisions decisions.

this semester is off to a good start ..i have agood attitude and im not lettin anythin get me down. im not gonna take anyones shit this semester ...they arnt worth. my new approach....walk away.

not worth the aggravation

Life was always back and forth and we were idling or making useless progress.

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 04:38:18 GMT

So a good friend wrote me a letter for the plane ride out to San Francisco, you know to keep me company and to amuse me and such. well in part of that letter it said,

"For some reason I have a feeling your gonna come back completly changed......not completly changed..but inspired perhaps"

well being that that person knows me probably better than anybody ;) ...im not suprised that she was right. but i didnt realize it till tonight. I mean alot of things have happened here..ive done alot...and ive had these amzing feelings about things throughout all of it. but through alot of my time here i was just thinking about how this wasnt that crazy of a vaction acuse i wasnt running arouns at night with ppl my age and i was goin to bed early and stuff...but his was exactly what i needed...this whole trip gave me perspective ..on alot of things.

Fisrt off and probably the biggest thing is that i really got to know my uncle....because my uncle has lived here for over 20 years, i didnt know him that well growing up...and he didint know me that well..we were never close and i couldnt tell you much about him till now. And his wife, my aunt, i didnt get to know her that well either especially since her english sint that great.

but then i came here and i spent all this time getting to know him...and we have alot in common and i get to know my aunt a little better and i really like them ..like genuinly like them as people.

Now you may think oh ok big deal....well for me thats a big deal...other than my immediate family...i dnt have any other family members i like too much..alot of them are fake and im not close with any of them...and it ha always bothered me that i dnt have aunts and uncles or even grandparents that im close with. But now i feel like i have that. I have real sense of family now. and i cant explain the thought process behind that or why thats so big to me right now...i think only like 2 of you out there have an idea why...but its big to me. it really is. and some stuff happened this afternoon..good things and it made me realize things ive neede to realize for awhile.

for the longest time ive feel like ive been searching for stuff and i still am..but i feel that part of it came together for me..and i know i still have a long way to go...but this trip gave me somethings i really needed...it renewed me.

also ive watched my aunt and uncle together and how they act as a married couple and i think theyve been married over 10 years now...and they are the first married couple ive seen who seem to really love and care about each other. they are a team. that was somehting i needed to see. for the longest time ive thought that you cant be married and stay happy...things are always gonna change and the marriage if eventually gonna suffer...but apparently not...and maybe there happiness has something to do with the fact that they dont have kids ..but whatever...they are happy and they are a beautiful couple ...and i neede to know that that existed.

2nd ...i was inspired while i was out here...my aunts a devout buddhist and ive always been interested in it and watching her this vaction really sparked things in me.. For my uncles birthday the other day ...some monks from her temple came by and gave my uncle a blessing and i got to meet them...it was amazing. I really wanna learn all i can about it...ive ben saying for awhile that im gonna study and start practicing meditation but this time i really am.

Theres alot of goals i have for this semester and i feel like this break has really been a good resting and thinking time for me to come back to school and do what i want to do. and i know things arnt gonna be perfect and i am still gonna get frustratedw with that school but i think all this will help with that.

Last semester I was looking for alot of things and I turned to the wrong things and the wrong people to find them and it only ended up hurting me more. But i dnt need any of that now. i dnt need any of them. for the first time Im really ok on my own. and its one thing to say it but im actually going to prove it, but im doing it for myself i dont need anyones approval and for the first time in awhile i dont really care what anyone has to say or thinks about any of it.

i must say im pretty damn happy...im ok

so i fly home tomorrow..ill be gettin in new york around 9pm

ill be back in new paltz wed night..im crashin at kerry and brians aprtment till friday mornin when i can move into my dorm

for now i have my uncles aprtment to myself cause himm and my aunt are both working so im gonna go to japan town and get some icecream and then come back and take a bath and relax

miss you rissa ...see you tomorrow...finally

The getaway

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 20:27:30 GMT

So im here in san francisco. day 3. My uncle finally got his computer up and running cause he just moved into a new apartment. The aprtment is really nice...nice view, big windows, a balcony....(i love balcony's)

My aunt and uncles Thai restaurant is right across the street so you can see it when you look out the window. Im really g;lad i finally got to see there restaurant. its really nice. the area they live in is really nice...they live on the edge of japan town. its really cute area ...alot of the building are built in a japense style.

its been really rainy here lately but yesterday was beautiful and sunny all day... so me and my uncle drove by the cooast and went up into the mountains....it was unbelievable..breathtaking actually. words cant describe....these maountains are much bigger and nicer than the ones in new paltz and they over look the ocean.

i love the apartments and the arcjitecture in this town its just sooo beautiful....im toying with the idea of going to school here for my graduate program. they have a really good art school here.

Im really trying to work on my sketchbook while im out here....whenevr im in big cities i get inspired. i wann think of a painting to work on when i get home ...i wanna send it to my aunt and uncle.

w hile im here i want to go with my aunt to her buddhist temple...ive always been so intrigued by buddhism...i would love to go...and i wanna learn more about it.

i love this apartment...i wish i lived here on my own....i belong in big cities...not in small college towns.

but oh well....on another note ...i talked to kerry last night..i really miss her and we were talkin about this comin semester...i know i couldnt wait to leave new paltz a few weeks ago but now i cant wait to go back and start thenew semester. I feel like i have a lotn to come back to this time and im determined to geta job when i get back. And me and kerry really want5 to start hangin out with nick and adam and matt, and tom and clint...we lost touch with them this past semester but we all need to regroup again...im really fond of those guys.

i cant wait to get back and start workin on some photo stuff ...i have this concept for this series...i wanna do it on couples and and sex, relationships , the idea of one night stands ...the concept of loss and fa;lling in and out of love...i still have to work out the whole thing ..but thats the direction i want to go in...i need to find people who wanna model...i have afew that volunteered already...but i need more variety and people who are comfortable with nudity and sexual topics...i think im gonna work myself into it too..i like being in my own work.
sooo many ideas..i just wanna get back to school

i really miss carissa though...if i could have one person here with me right now...it would be her....we would tear it up in this city.

San Francisco

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 03:19:24 GMT

I leave for Cali first thing in the morning. I cant wait to get outa here...my house is chaos right now.

But i am def gonna miss carissa...i wish we could of had more play time before i left but things have been hectic between the holidays and the class shes takin ...its been busy times for evryone.

But me and her are gonna play everyday whn i get back and im gonna call her evryday when I'm away. Cause i heart her.

So i leave tomorrow and i come back Sunday the 16th......and then i go back to school the following Sat.

Hopefully while im away i will have access to a computer so i can update this thing and go on aim.

But if i cant i have my cell phone and i have verision so i dnt get charged roaming so u can call the cell and whatnot if you so choose.,.....carissa you have no choice you have to call me :)

my carisssa love wrote me a cute letter to keep me company when i am on the plane...i cant wait to read it ..but i have to wait til the plane.....but that made me sooo happy :)

So goodbye peoples.....I'm off to San fransisco

Alot of things

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 06:51:06 GMT

APRIL:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to
regret.
Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong
mentality. Loves attention.
Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's
problems. Brave and
fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and
generous. Emotional.
Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving Motivates
oneself and others.
Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a
way that only their luver can see.

What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am emotion

Dance offs and gay greek ballerinas

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 19:32:54 GMT

so the first truly fun night of my vacation was last night. we all went to the bar and danced it up....even though i was kinda poopy and didnt dance as much as i usually do. but it was still sooo fun.

Chris and Paul are awesome dancers ....so funny.

Ryan is my favorite drunk.....even though he bit carissa nand caused a scene at bagel boss at 3;30 in da mornin.

oh man i really do love my friends.

"i squoozed it"

"no you cannot put your applesauce in my piniata"

"i cant switch it up"

i anticipate tonight being lots of fun....party at carissa's!!

just a fun crazy time with some good friends. and i plan on gettin nice and drunk since i barely drank last night

im also makin up for my lack of dancin.....the plan is everyones dancin in their underwear in the livin room(my idea of course)

tonight shall be beautiful times with my beautiful friends...sadly some of our good friends i dnt think are comin and i miss them
but i think its nice im ringin in the new year again with carissa and with ryan and chris ...just like last year.....ohh man last year's party was nuts ...i wonder how the 2 will compare...we'll see i suppose

i leave for san francisco in 5 days...yay

oh gotta go ..riss is here...we gotta get stuff for da party

Happy new year!!

"Our apartment was so small when I was younger, that my mom made me play in the oven"

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 16:14:18 GMT

Just got back from the city ....spent the night at mikes apartment..i havent seen him since september.....the little bastard managed to get one on the upper east side (gorgeous area)

not that crazy of a night...we had dinner went to an internet cafe then went back to the apartment and he made me watch the ridiculous movies and i kept making him shut them off cause i was bored outta my mind....finally he put on this strange movie called Hedwig and the angry inch...kinda funny.

i think the train ride there and back was the best part...i love trains and i love staring out the windopw and listening to music...i get my best ideas during that time

umm i have been having trouble sleeping the past week...its been pissing me off..i love my sleep and i hate it whn i cant sleep...i prob cant because ive been spendin so much time not doing anything and therefore i am never tired

AUDREYS COMING TODAY!!!! so excited...i miss her ..we havent chilled in awhile...the last month we were at school we barely hung out....tonight should be fun...i think gina is gonna stay over tonight too....yay slumber party....

p.s. i feel like everyone is getting engaged this month...very wierd..makes me feel old....sort of

How many days till cali?

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 01:16:05 GMT

ok sooo its official..........HOME SUCKS. I cant wait to leave for cali. Im bored out of my mind ...even more than when i was at school...who would of thought that could of been possible..not me.
Noones been chillin which completly blows so ive been bored outa my mind. If i wasnt goin to california then id take the train back to new paltz and stay at kerrys apartment....cause im ready to shoot myself.

on a brighter note....audrey might be comin to long island tomorrow and she may stay by me for a few days.......which means me, her, gina , and chris can chill and what not and proceed with our usual highjinx.....

i fuckin hate being home......cant believe home has turned out to be shitter than school...so irritating.....so fuckin pist

sooooo sick

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 17:07:47 GMT

this is gonna be quick

im soo fuckin sick i got my sisters stomach virus..ive been up since 5 throwing up ...apparently this last 3 days ...so it looks like im spendin christmas home by myself puking

i feel like hell

:(

An original boy

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 07:09:45 GMT

back again....

so im watching 40 days and 40 nights (has jods hartnett in it) ...in it he gives up sex and all sex like things for lent....

well in the movie he takes this girl out on a date ...and what he does for the date is they just ride the public bus alll night and just talk and goof off

That to me is completly ...i dont really have a word for it. ...but thats sort of the epitome of what i want from a guy, someone i can do things like that with....but a guy clever and originale enough to think of stuf like that on his own....i guess that sort of falls under the spontaneous category ...but its more like spontaneous and original.....so thats what i would love to find ..a guy whos spontaneous and original

i want an equal who i can do new and different things with

who know if ill ever meet anyone like that....but its an amazing idea

Love is a battlefield

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 05:21:26 GMT

Just finished watching 13 goin on 30 .......cute movie......im a sucker for cheesy sappy movies......whatever im a hopeless romantic.

it is now officially christmas eve....which means in 24 hours its christmass ...which means after this damn weekend is over people wont be so busy......and then the partyin begins!!!

Carissa is comin over for christmas eve dinner which makes me soooooo happy...theres no other way id rather spend the holiday than with my immediate family and my best friend.....well maybe id be nice if i had a significant other to share it with but ....2 out of 3 aint bad.

Christmass willl be chaos cause its at my aunts house and my moms family makes me wanna stick hot sharp objects into my limbs...i mean whatelse says christmass betetr than being irrated to the point that inflicting pain upon ones self seems like a fun and wonderful idea....i hate holidays and family gathereings.

so far being home sucks and i feel like there is no pleasing me because whn im at school i hate it and i wanna be home and now that im home i wanna be at school..but i know things here will prob pick up. I miss the girls in my suite though....i like just bein able to walk in there rooms whn im bored....whn im bored here....well i guess there my dog i can talk to .....,but thats not right for obvious reasons.

ohh i talked to sheru tonight...which is awesome cause ive been tryin to get a hold of him....hes up from florida for a bit...i really hope i get to see him cause its been to long....he needs to move back to new york.

not having a car is slowly killing me...i need to go to san francisco asap.....as in NOW

25 cent machine memorizes and I hate life bumper stickers

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 04:50:05 GMT

soooo vacation....um glad to be away from new paltz and all that horseshit...although i do miss some people, namely tracy, idriss,kerry, gina(but i see her at home)and um.....ok thats basically it.

havent done much since ive been back....chilled with gina but then we got snowed in and made nachos and watched britneys most outrageous (hahha)

yesterday i finally saw my rissa love. narf. we hit the mall that iss known as roosevelt. Said hi to Sean and Zizzo. sadly seans leavin for italy next week so i wont see much of him. tried to visit margaret but couldnt find her...went home and discussed my boredom with some friends.

Today i spent the day around the house not accomplishing much of anything ....then me and rissa ran out for a bit and went to liquidators got some 25 cent machine necklaces...i got a moon and rissa got some tooth shaped thing... (im addicted) then to B squared and got me some overabundance of bagels. Rissa has some silly final tomorrow so she had to go home and eat ice cream and study so she can kick butt.

so im here kinda bored...i wanna go play...but everyone is workin or has finals....

um on a brighter note....got my grades...i made deans list...yea i know im too kool

um also ...IM GOIN TO SAN FRANCISCO!!!!! woooo fuckin hoooo ive always wanted to go ...never been. soo excited ...i leave jan 5th and im back the 16th....stayin with my aunt and uncle. my aunt is this adorable Thai lady named Pai and she owns i Thai restaurant and im gonna help out there. Gonna check out the art schools while im out there too...ahh im sooo excited...im prob not gonna wanna come home...well except im gonna mi8ss rissa like whoa.

ummm whn i get back gonna chill with the crew...im gonna try and go to new paltz for a few days and stay wit kerry so i can try and geta fuckin jobbb.....stupid town of new paltz. gerrrr.

OH!! I NEED AN ID! pleasssse help with that if you can ...i really need one. soo yea help me ...much appreciated.

ok momentary break...rissa just called my phone....ps. shes my favorite thing about being home sooo im packin her in my suitecase and bringin her to cali.

tomorrow goin to the old high school with john to visit our old art teacher ...cause shes kool...and johns my bestest and i havent seen him yet...cause hes busy strippin at work haha...srry john

doooo da dooooo i swear im not addicted

someone buy me a car.......and i will be forever indebted to you

I saw you in a dream and woke up but only to find out you arnt real

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 15:10:45 GMT

Have you ever dreampt something and it felt so real and vivid. And you woke up to find out it wasn't real. But you wished more than anything it was.

I just woke up and i can basically remember it perfectly ...and i see the persons face sooo clearly amd i want so bad for that not to actually be a dream.

I'ts kind of ironic that something like that only happens in my dreams because thats how I feel most of time...that the only way thats gonna seem to happen is in my dreams.

The whole thing kinda makes me sad.

Attack of the killer hiccups

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 02:20:43 GMT

So im done with finals ....i had my last one yesterday...and in celebration of that a bunch of us went to 80's night.

I actually hada realllly fun time. It was pretty chaotic night...just the way i like it. When it comes dowwn to it all i really need is my close friends with me and im havina a shit load of fun.

Last year it was all about going to the bar and tryin to meet some guy...and i did that and they were all retards in some way shape or form. Now when i go to the bar I almost dont wanna meet anyguys there, now all i care about is dancin with my friends because all that other stuff is bullshit . and it leads to more trouble than its worth.

Summary of last night...danced a good deal (nothin better)....drank too much and had the wrong combination of alcohols......there for leading toa drunk lisa.........a drunk lisa with a very bad case of hiccups. Um tracy got kicked out of the bar so we had to leave around 3;30 ....so me idriss and tracy...alll drunk....head home. Idriss was drunk ands there for (in true idriss fashion) was being way to loud on the walk home but it was pretty damn funny. I drunk dialled ...soo did tracy....a certain rissa dosent have a phone right now so i couldnt drunk dial her. We get back...im still hiccuping ...not to mention stumblin alll over the place. eventually stumble into bed at like 4;30.....wake up at 8.....and proceed to throw up....i feel like death...i still had to pack..dad was on his way...so for the next 2 hours i packed for a few minutes and then would go puke then pack...then puke some more...i wanted to die. my dad eventually gets there and instead of bein pissed he thought it was pretty funny. go figure.

anyways , now im home.....im sooo tired ....i wish i hada car...id go see gina or somthin...id go anywhere for that matter...but i dnt so oh well. looks like im goin to san francisco in about 2 weeks. yay!

debating whether or not it should be sleepy sleepy time....i wanna see rissy....hunt for sunshine.....i hear its code red.

leaving it alone for awhile

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 07:08:49 GMT

i dont even know where to start or where to begin or why im writing in this.......not sure why its been so hard for me to update this thing this semester. i should be tryin to get some sleep ...my body is killing me from the gym ...but then again is probably this place thats makin me sick...who knows. I cant sleep and my minds racing but i dont have the slightest idea what i want to say....theres just too much that's happened this semester.

things are just soo unbelievable diferent then last semeter or even this summer....i think the fact that i was living with completly different people this semester is why things seem so off...iwasnt used to them or any of this.....they are very different then the girls i lived with last year.....they arent better or worse...its just different....but i do like living with these girls....they r fun. I cant complain to much ...its been a pretty good semester i think its just hard for this semester to live up to my summer. because this past summer was insanity..it was amazing...the people , the parties....the ridiculous stuff that went on...i dnt even know(some of u out there were there and know what im saying)

I guess whats been frustrating for me is that im different at home then i am here. at home things are alot crazier and more of the stuff we all do is just accepted and not thought twice about. but if i pulled this shit here well.....i guess it wouldnt go over so well. as much fun as it all was i guess its good i took a time out for awhile because it gave my life a chance to calm down a bit

but coming back here .......theres been this void ....i dnt even think i fully unerstand what its from....ii know a big part of it was that i didnt have carissa here with me ...and shes a huge part of life back at home....i think shes the only person who truly understands what goin on in my life...and regardless of the choices i make she never judges (prob cause shes either has or is going through the same thing) .......but non the less she helps keep me sane and i know i can depend on her whn push comes to shove.

but the void ...i thik i was trying really hard to fill it or ignore it or whatever.....but obviously none of that worked and what made i worse that school has been such an eye opener for me on what people are really like...im no gonna go into detail of the shit thats gone on..theres just no need...but basically alot of the people around me whether it had been friendships , dating situations , or hookups, whatever the situation may have been...most have turned out to be something complely different than they let on to be or i percieved them to be...and its such a disapointment. and its funny because i basically prepare myself for that stuff ...im usually really good at spotting peoples intentions annd keeping my guard up and preventing myself from getting hurt but a few caught me off guard ..they had seemed to be somehing different....turns out i was wrong

but whatever i dont wanna turn this into sucha whinny entry and i know i sound alot moree negative on this thing than i am in my actual life...ive just been aggravated with this place and some people lately. things have been off lately....i know its a mix of things and im tired of trying to fiure it all out. i know im looking for something right now but i think i just have to let go and leave it all alone for awhile. this vacation wil be a nice break from all this shit but then again i could end up carryin over to home if im not careful.

i dnt know what i accomplished by writing any of this...i dnt know iff i got to say what i needed or intended to say...but i think i made myself tired enough to try and sleep

I wanted to believe in all the words that you were saying as we moved together in the dark

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 20:07:13 GMT

The meaningless late night meetings of skin
between sheets of lust and love and consumed by the fact that you’ll just be gone tomorrow.

And through the Decembers, the lies of “I’ll still be here tomorrow” seem to burn even more.
Because the misplaced desire of your hands running down my back meet with the loss of warmth.
That you always want but it’s never really there.
But I swear I don’t need this. I don’t need you now. Because I have become an expert at determining lustful lies from true sentiment.

You were all just looking for something in those meetings of flesh upon flesh.

We are all looking for something.

Senses fail and we give in.

Lust and warmth take over and pave the way to tomorrow’s regrets.

My summer of love and narf

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 07:14:43 GMT

So I just got back from Carissa's ....my last night with my BMC crew. I leave for school in 5 in a half hours ...still gotta sleep a lil. Honestly im not gonna lie, im sitting here crying because leaving is so fucking hard for me. I love these people. This has by far been the best summer ever and the craziest. The first month of my summer was pretty shitty but after that things seriously picked up. Its funny to think that when I left school originally I planned on coming home and this summer being very low key and I'd take this time to calm down cause I gotta a lil crazy at school with partyin and stuff. And that idea worked for the first month but after that forget it. This summer has been so crazy.

The partys were amazing, and so were the people. Seans party this summer, Cerami's bbq, Carissa partys ,Bagels bbq's, metasin, us crashin at ryans. The stuf that happened is just to much to even write it all. ........lemon drop shots in seans sisters kitchen, charades, party in the middle of the kitchen floor, massage fights, drunken Sal walking to tri county. myspace testomonials that got out of hand. Me just losing control. "Carissa, I cant pick just one, there are to many choices". Me falling down cerami's deck steps in my lil skirt. Me and Carissa peing in an alley as Bubbles is puking in the parking lot after he just passed out on me in the car. Sex conversations gone to far. Skinny dipping in carissa's pool, ryan waking up to three naked people afterward at 4 in da mornin whn he has to get up for a final 3 hrs later. NEVER DO PIXY STIX BODY SHOTS AGAIN!!!! ryans now dismembered bathroom, and the his scooby doo blanket that made me break out in hives the next morning. "Theres still hickeys on our necks" Carissa brother throwin me in the pool with my cloths on, not once but three times. DINNER PARTY. BMC. BMC. BMC.

This summer has been amazing nad it kills me to leave these people. Carissa, Ryan, Jess, Pete, Jena, Ali, Jewlz, Christina, Denada, Sean, Big Frank, Joe, John..........I hate to leave all of you.

Most of all I cant leave Carissa. She is my closest, truest friend. She is my perfect lil balance. And its such a tease to have her for my vacations and then have to leave. I honestly i can tell you how much i love this girl until im blue in the face and it wouldnt even be enough. I have alot of amazing friends at school but still nothing like the friendship me and this girl have. We are unstoppable. Who else would come to one of my family partys and make my whole family want to adopt her. I love this chick. She is my forever and always. Shes gets me through my rough days and shes always apart ofmy amazing ones. We counsel each other about our relationships....and i inform her of her stomach problems. Haha, And she cries over my lost toenail. But i expect not to lose touch with you for 3 months again!!! No excuses this time. :)

but im gonna see my lil love and jess(bmc princess), and pete(bmc fafographer and official bra fitter)next week when they visit me at school.

I honestly love all you guys. this summer hasbeen amazing and ill be back plenty this year.BMC memorizes are only begining to be made. There are plenty of boob pictures still to be taken and plenty of club boss partys to be had.
Im bad with goodbyes.

Scars and Second Chances

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 03:41:42 GMT

Breathe you in and it all comes flooding back. Swallowed whole by the taste of your skin. And all the pain and every bit of past has led me here. Forgiven and not forgotten. Move on and start over. But here we are again. Remembering what its like to have you here isn't making this easy. Still addicted. I breathe you in and it all comes back, and i can still taste you on my lips. Im drowning in these days. Ill let go and Ill slip away. Nothing ever felt so good despite the past. Breaking down walls and letting you in. Never thought I'd see this day. Because I tried so hard to get away after broken, torn, and pieces. I'm seeing these days in white and hope. Touching skins of desire and pain. Souls see depth of broken and blood. Fire and flames. Desire lingers here. Close my eyes and ignore the goodbyes. The idea of second chances seep through cracks and give birth to here and now. Falling victim to my own heart. Blood spills from scars and makes way for new truth. Consumed in waves of touch, taste, and scent. You burn feeling back into my once lifeless heart. And I can still taste you on my lips.